Her own decision

This week, I offer a song sung by Alison Kraus, one of my favorite musicians. It's called The Scarlet Tide; she sang it for the movie Cold Mountain. The link to a video with the music and lyrics is below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kwl08VdIeFs

Several years ago, I found this song and couldn't stop playing it. As I learned the lyrics, I began to weep toward the end of the first verse and through the second verse...every time, without fail. Here are those lyrics:

...Man has no choice when he wants everything.

We'll rise above the scarlet tide,
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride

Man goes beyond his own decision,
Gets caught up in the mechanism
Of swindlers who act like kings
And brokers who break everything
The dark of night was swiftly fading,
Close to the dawn of day
Why would I want him just to lose him again?

We'll rise above the scarlet tide,
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride.

Why does a song about war make me weep? Well, obvious reasons aside (war not good!), I heard this song at a time in my life when I was learning that I had "intuition"...a little voice inside of me, gently prodding and calling me to a healthy, self-loving, full life. As I discovered that such a voice existed, I also began to recognize the "mechanisms" outside of myself, which serve something - I'm not sure exactly what - but definitely not me. For me, these were/are social expectations, religious expectations, career expectations, how to be a good mother, good friend , good person, good blah blah blah. Things that act upon me. Things that propel me in particular directions and that on the surface seem "right." I found myself going in these directions and I found my soul compromised and my physical body exhausted. Could it be that the things which we "should" do are not always healthy for us?

This song painted a vivid picture for me of the not always conscious choices we make because we are caught up in the tide of... well, what is your tide? In this song, the tide was war, and a man's disregard of his "own decision," because he was caught up in the mechanism of whatever social tides were at work for war, resulted in a scarlet tide...in death and sorrow for his loved ones. He listened to the "shoulds" rather than the little voice within himself. Didn't work out so well for him or for his loved ones.

I wept when I realized that my resistance to some of the "shoulds" in my life was not a reflection of a bad, weak or irresponsible person. On the contrary, that resistance often came from a stronger, more loving version of myself who recognized healthy conditions when she saw them. I could count on myself, in a sense, if I could get to that voice to guide me, rather than the tides that compelled me or told me the "right" thing to do. I felt freed. I was grateful.

I guess my point is that there are so many things we "should" do and we "kill" ourselves doing them. Maybe we don't have to. Maybe peace, sanity, serenity are within us already as a loving voice guiding, supporting, prodding, leading us through our very full lives. Maybe we only need to lend an ear. Maybe taking a moment alone and apart is the most loving thing we can do for our loved ones.

So I offer this three minute song. May its beauty be a balm to our souls, washing over us in a stolen moment. Given three minutes at a time over time, our little voices within just might become loud enough for us to hear over the din of the tides.

An introduction

I love the quote under the title of this blog by Madeleine L'Engle (A Wrinkle in Time, Swiftly Tilting Planet, etc). So far, as a woman in my 30s, I've come to understand that a woman's life is a busy one. There's always something to be done for someone who loves me, who I love, or who at least expects something from me. Expectations real or simply in my head of who I need to be, who I should be, and who I want to be. I feel tugged by love, by obligation, by guilt, by hope, by desire, by responsibility. Don't get me wrong. I want my life as it is in many ways; nevertheless, a host of complexities come with this life, perhaps by virtue of it being a woman's life.

In a deep part of me, I crave stillness. L'Engle calls it quiet and peace, but I think we mean the same thing. Just a bit of time to myself. To check in. To make sure that the outside me is in harmony with the inside me. I don't think that I always know what I'm looking for. More often than not, these moments happen by chance: a quick walk with the dog at night because we forgot about him all day, finding myself alone at the breakfast table with a cup of tea, a sentence from my nightly read speaks to me...And in those moments, it's as if I take a deep breath, my mind quiets and I just "am." I want to be more intentional about those moments because I find myself renewed in some way. My tongue is less sharp...my goals a bit more focused...the squeaky wheels greased. It's as if I live with more grace.

Ironically, one of the best ways I've come to that stillness of being has been in the midst of other women. Laughing. Listening. Weeping. Talk, talk, talk, talking. It's the meet-me-at-the'bucks (yes, that is slang for you-know-what coffee place), a long weekend with old friends, the quick how-are-you in passing outside the grocery store, or the familiar chat with moms and sisters. The scene and combination of women doesn't seem to matter, in a sense, because it's always rich. Even when it's light-hearted, it does something for my soul. When it is more, my soul receives profound things, like wisdom, empathy, and companionship that assures me I am not alone.

So it seems to me that the circle of quiet can be created by "outside" me connecting with "inside" me or by women coming together.

Hopefully, this blog can become a way for us to be more intentional about finding these moments. I would like to post once a week for a year (inspired by Julia and Julia, of course). I'll share my thoughts but also things I've read and seen that might be food for the soul (or for a laugh!). I hope you'll do the same.