Chaos

My son is crying, bawling, whining to get on the roof just like Daddy. He's inconsolable. Daddy's on the roof, so Mommy's the bad guy with her eye on the time-out chair.

I'm in the process of writing a paper that refuses to be written. Ideas (brilliant ones, I might add) are in some kind of traffic jam in my head, detoured past my fingers and thus the keyboard. Deadline in 36 hours-ish.

I thought a quick, much needed trip to the grocery store might make some room in my head for the thoughts to flow, but there wasn't any space in there for my grocery list so I roamed the aisles -not in one of those "I have this hour to myself to leisurely walk through the store and see what I want and need" modes. I cut off old ladies, made u-turns into displays, and backtracked 672 times to the fruits and vegetables because I kept forgetting potatoes. There's always something more interesting than potatoes to make one forget one needs potatoes!

I came home to "fun" in the yard, which included dog-poo on the bottom of my son's shoes. Frozen foods sweat and meat spoiled, as I tended to that. Forgot which bag the eggs were in, but by some miracle I didn't break one in my haste to unload and de-poo.

Speaking of poo, the dog hasn't been walked in three days. His behavior is atrocious, but he can't help himself. He's the last priority in the busyness this week.

I take that back. My ferns, once lush even sensual and inviting, are shriveling in the arid heat produced by my electric thermostat. No amount of watering or fertilizing (my black thumb butt got to a store, purchased, and actually used the stuff on these plants-my previous efforts have left me with drawers full of old unopened fertilizer sticks) can possible restore their vitality.

So I turn my attention to humans. I have two dinners going, one for a dear friend who's whole family is sick with the flu. Let's be honest. I'm never going to win an award for my cooking; I keep us nourished in the most spartan but balanced of ways. But we are nourished. I panic a bit when I cook for others...and so I am panicking: will the chicken be cooked all the way through? How does one know that if one doesn't own a meat thermometer and so resorts to cutting the meat at eight different points before she decides something is done? One can't really resort to that when one is trying to pull off "I do this all the time and its no big deal to send a meal to show my support and love." (Actually, you have no idea how much I love you if I offer to bring a meal over to you! It's deep, abiding, profound...)

And my own family is having pot roast in the crockpot. Simplest meal in the world; just throw it in with some veggies potatoes and liquid: ta-da! WHY IS MINE DRY!?!?!?!?! Beef, the meat that puts a smile on my husband's face...such a seemingly simple gift for him. I'm in knots every time I make it because I'm pretending its not a big deal and yet I have no idea what the magic words are that I'm supposed to say over the crockpot to get the meat to tenderly fall apart while everyone oohs, aahs, drools and turns away the gravy. (don't even get me started on gravy!)

I'm missing some workshops at a major education conference in town this weekend because I'm swamped and exhausted from the busyness of the week.

Things could be worse. My husband and I could be at odds (what a lovely way to put stomping and slamming the door!)

This is my life today. It feels chaotic...I'm perpetually behind the eight-ball...stuck in the process of life...most things simply beyond my control: So I am left with little to do but accept life on life's terms today.

But, for a moment, I just want a sense of myself and a sense of peace. As I forked potatoes, I cranked this diddly courtesy of Bach and Yo-Yo Ma. I put the fork down, closed my eyes, and let the cello's tenor uphold my soul for a moment. I took a few deep breaths.

I am here. God is here.

It's just one of those days. But there was a moment of peace, and somehow I also connected with all of you.

Microwave just beeped. Another deep breath in my circle of quiet...exhale...and...

I'm off to face the rest.